I
miss her at strange times.
Not on her birthday or even mine, but at those random times when I would normally reach out
to her. Late night weeknights.
It's not one specific
thing that makes me miss her. It's just as my life goes on, there are things I
wish I could tell her.
I would share those times when my kid did something
great or not so great. We would laugh at the ridiculousness of our husbands and
their logic. We would gossip about people around town. We would laugh so hard
we would have tears in our eyes. Sometimes I vented, sometimes she did. We held
hands over long distance.
She was the girlfriend
whom I could tell all and never fear judgement. She would call it like she saw
it, and sometimes the truth would sting. But I knew she loved me and she didn't say things
to hurt, but to open my eyes. Just like I did with her.
Now instead of calling
her, all I can do is sigh and say, "She would've loved that."
I miss her terribly.
There's a hole in my heart that wasn't there before. Maybe because she had always
been there and now she's not?
What can I say about
her death? I was shocked. I was unprepared. I was hurt.
I don't have survivors
guilt. If her own children couldn't keep her on this earth, I sure as Hell
couldn't do it.
What I have is the
vicious circle of missing her, being sad, getting angry about the circumstances
of it all, and then feeling guilty for getting angry, and then getting angry
for feeling guilty for getting angry, and then missing her again.
I've said it before
and I'll probably say it again - death sucks.
This one just happens
to suck just a little bit more.
ps - I don't have the
heart to delete her from my phone - it's as if I delete her name, then she's really gone and I've accepted it all, and I haven't.
