Manure, meet wind oscillator...

His melt-down was epic.

I hadn't seen one like that since he was 4.

As angry as I became, part of my heart was breaking.

Breaking for him.

I wanted to strangle and hug him at the same time.

I could see the frustration stirring up his emotions. I could tell that he didn't know where or how to start, but it needed to get out.

And it did - in one ugly torrent directed at us.

Fragmented thoughts screamed by us, hitting way too close to home.

Once it was all out, he looked a bit dazed. I couldn't tell if bottling it up inside and then exploding just drained him, or if he was just drained from the pressure of it all.

As I sat and watched him, a thought flashed in my mind, "Where was Superman when you really needed him? I need to turn back time and make it all better for my boy."

Wishful thinking, I know. But when there's not a damned thing you can do in reality to make your child stop hurting, even the absurd ideas start to sound good.

Even after all this time
The sun never says to the earth,
"You owe me."

Look what happens with a love like that --
it lights the whole world.

-Hafiz

Slipping down a dream...

I pull the heavy blankets up to my chin and curl my body onto my left side.

I am safely tucked into my new bed.

My legs kick about trying to find that perfect spot. My head grinds into my pillows trying to make that perfect indentation to cradle my dreams as I sleep.

One arm is under my head and the other has a firm grasp of the blankets.

I snuffle, snuffle my nose trying to make sure the cat hair tickling it won't make me sneeze and ruin all my sleeping prep-work.

I close my eyes and let it all go.

Your rhythmic breathing starts pulls me into your pattern and my body starts to really relax.

The cats must sense it, because they jump up onto the bed to find their sleepy spots too.

My eyes slam shut and I let my mind wander. As per usual, I review my day and think about tomorrow. I think about things I should do and people I should call. I try to think about that one thing I'm grateful for.

You would think that finding one thing you're grateful for would be easy, but for me it's not always. Some days are just black and I can't find the gratefulness thing within me.

Other days I can't pick what I'm most grateful for. There are just too many to choose from.

Is it a type of meditation or prayer? I don't know. But I usually fall asleep while I'm being grateful.

Snuffleupagus...

My feet drag as if weights have been chained to my legs. I only wish to wander to the kitchen to get refreshing water.

My head is bumbly. Like it's too big for my body. It messes up my balance and I blunder into things which apparently just need to be in my way today.

My bones ache. The bones I forget that I have - ache. Even my hair hurts today.

My nose is caught between being a faucet and being completely clogged. It doesn't matter. I can't smell anything and everything tastes like cardboard anyway.

Even chocolate.

I would whine but that would just take too much energy.

My life-force was sucked out of me in the middle of the night. As if a boohag took me for a ride.

Why is it, when you're sick, that the day just seems to go on forever?

Happy New Year!