Bah Hum-Buggery...

I have it bad and I can feel it in my bones.

 

I caught a case of the Grinch.

 

I don’t think it’s necessarily my fault. I wash my hands (of situations) and try to avoid (mentally) sick people, but it still seems to have rubbed off on me. Trying to keep a stiff upper lip while Murphy’s Law has taken over my life seems to be the culprit. I think I’ve just been worn down by crazy and need a break.

 

Directions say that Christmas tunes, decorations and cookies help the situation. All of these bright and happy things can bring me out of the drudges.

 

I don’t want to steal or break any of those activities like the Grinch. You go ahead and enjoy yourself. Just leave me out of it. I listen to the music and sometimes even hum along. I enjoy the Christmas lights on the houses and I’ve never had a problem with a cookie unless it has raisins. Raisins have NOTHING to do with Grinch. Raisins are just stupid on their own all year long. Nothing can change that fact.

 

I look forward to doing the buying of presents for loved ones. I’m even looking forward to wrapping and giving them away. My Christmas cards are ordered and I even have a smile on my face.

 

Christmas party? No thanks. Not interested and don’t care. Christmas carroling? The mere thought makes me cringe. Being part of the group Christmas picture? How about I just get lost when the photo is being taken? I’m just feeling a bit anti-social. I need my space. Only those who live within the Jen-o-meter are exempt.

 

Nothing wrong with that. That’s the part of Grinch I can appreciate. I’d like to live on top of a mountain with my dog (or family) doing my own thing. No worries or hassle from outsiders. I can watch the sparkles from afar and not feel excluded. The distance being a buffer to soften the glare of the holiday and lunatics.

 

I’m not depressed or have the blues, it’s more like I’m waving a Caution or Danger flag around me. I’m not in the mood. Not in the mood for shenanigans. I want to have a quiet celebration with those of whom I love and love me back. Is that really too much to ask?

 

Ps. Silver Bells

Lumps

The conversation wasn't what I expected. Completely unprepared, I sat dumbfounded for a moment before everything sunk in.

I knew it was coming, I just didn't expect it then, at that moment. I had already played the scene out in my head hundreds of times. I just didn't expect it to affect me like that.

The angry tears betrayed my emotions. I looked sad when instead I was furious and hurt. In that order.

Was it their intention to inflict like that?

Maybe.

I spoke very little, my voice wobbling. The pain of holding back what I really wanted to scream.

I needed to get out. I wanted to throw up from all the suppressed adrenaline. I hate that feeling. 

I wanted to run to my safe space. And cause mayhem. And scream. And cry. And throw things. Have a good old fashioned temper tantrum. The kind that a child would have until they passed out from shear exhaustion.

They wake up with puffy eyes and maybe a little weepy and need a hug because yesterday went pear shaped.

That was today. It was blissfully quiet. My eyes were puffy and I felt a calm come over me. Maybe it's numbness. No matter what, it was better than the rage I was feeling 12 hours before. I can function and talk without sounding possessed.

I wish I could say I needed a hug, but that would be lying. 

I'll keep my chin up and keep plugging because that's what I do. You've got to keep plugging because nothing makes your adversaries crazier than seeing a person rise above the bullshit and succeeding despite the obstacles laid in their path.

Ps. I took 'em 

Beach baby...

I hate to admit it, but her last barrage of calls bothered me.

The last week was spent with thoughts of her popping into my head in my quiet times. Not so much concerned about her well-being, but more like, "WTF?!" You just don't do that to people you call friends.

So when you suggested a beach day, I jumped at the chance.

All other thoughts were driven out of my head. I could practically smell the salt marshes, feel the sun on my face and hear the ocean. I needed it. I wanted that.

It had probably been a long time since you saw me moved like that. Get ready in a flash. You would've thought that Santa was coming to town or something.

Instead, it was a fully-backed offer that made me giddy. I practically skipped around the house because I was so excited.

I couldn't drive the car any faster. Well, I probably could've, but that would be a different story.

We drove straight to the beach. I scrambled out of the car, just barely willing to wait for you to get the blanket. I was prepared to throw myself onto the beach without it. I didn't care.

The day was wonderful.

As I sat on the blanket and then flopped back, all I could yell and laugh towards the electric blue skies was, "Yes! Yes! Yes - this is what I needed! Thank you!"

I let the breeze blow the mental stink off of me. I inhaled the unpolluted salt air willing the city crud out of my lungs. I closed my eyes and focused on the sound of the waves breaking at the shore. White noise pushing out the thoughts that clung to the cobwebs in my mind.

Did I care that the water was too cold to swim? No. I wasn't there to bathe. I was there to soak it all within my soul. My soul needed a swim.

I felt my spirit get cleaned and I couldn't help but smile. Smile at nothing. At everything. At you.

You saw me stumble with my darkness and knew how to pull me out. You knew what I needed and made it happen.

You couldn't have planned a more perfect day.

Hey Operator...

The cyclone of emotional suck has begun again.

It's been a beautifully quiet month of no bat-shit crazy calls, and I have to say, I've quite enjoyed it.

I walked away from that last conversation with my hands in the air and me saying, "Done." I had finally - FINALLY - been pushed too far and walked. I wasn't angry, I was empty.

I did not call her back to tell her I was leaving - I just left her in the mess she's made for herself. And for once I am ok with that. Your mess - you clean it up.

Don't get me wrong. I wish her well. I just wish her well elsewhere. Not at my door or in my ear.

So when the phone rang last night, I was in no mood for her crap.

I knew she wasn't gone forever. That's not her modus operandi. She's been allowed to behave badly towards me (my fault) and when I've called her on it, she claims doesn't know what I'm talking about (bullshit). I knew she'd surface at some point, I just didn't think it would be so soon. I was hoping for more time.

The barrage of calls, texts and messages reminded me of some kind of stalker. They kept coming and coming and coming until I finally had to turn off the phone ringers.

Now I'm angry.

And I'm agitated that she called and texted me countless times within an hour only to drunkenly leave one message that said she loves me and that I'm her best friend.

The next time she calls, I will answer the phone.





ps - I don't just burn bridges, I napalm them.

Energy level = 0

The voice coming over the speaker phone is too chipper for me this morning. Even though the voice is upbeat, my mind wanders - obviously - during the meeting. All I can hear and am taking away from this is "blah, blah, blah."

 

I keep checking the time.

 

Only 63 more minutes left of this webinar which feels remedial at best. None of this applies to me and I keep thinking about all the things I need to do today other than sit stagnant.

 

My brain is fuzzy from the night before. Too much alcohol and not enough sleep reminds me that I'm not in my 20s any longer. My ass is dragging.

 

I'd act my age but sometimes I just don't want to. I need to be free of those adult shackles.

 

But all I want to do today is put my head down on the desk and take a nap. So much for my power house persona today.

 

The rainy weather is not helping. Not that I'm hating it, mind you. I'd just rather be home under a blanket, reading a book than sitting in a circle with a bunch of suits.

 

All of whom appear to be just as empty behind their eyes as I probably look. They, too, look like they'd rather be somewhere, anywhere else.

 

If I could sneak out or hide under the conference table for a nap, I'd do it. But my company frowns at employees sleeping at work.

 

Go figure.

 

Lesson learned: Work hard every day, but play hard only on the weekends.

You asked for it...

When the phone rang, I knew it was you. I had placed my bet on the situation and if it had been for money I would’ve won. I know your ‘tells”.

I knew you were angry. I knew you were angry at me because I didn’t call you early enough. But you also knew you were in trouble with me and that you had started this whole mess several days prior to this unfortunate call.

 

So like an idiot, I humored the call. I had on my guilt deflecting armor on, so sling that shit all you want it wasn’t going to stick.

 

All I can say is that it was a confusing and uncomfortable call. I can’t say I’m angry, nor can I say that I’m pleased. Your apology was lost among the incoherent babble and bizarre accusations. Don’t even get me started on the hang up mid-sentence or the promise (or threat) that you needed 20 minutes to get your head on straight. Only to never get a call back. It’s been 3 days.

I had a dream that night that I was changing the sheets on my bed. (My bed is a comfort and safety zone in my personal life.) In that dream I pulled the sheets off and found bed bugs. Little, biting, scattering bugs. Tried as I might, the bugs would not leave my bed.

 

I know what it all means. You are the bed bugs and I need to fumigate.

 

Ps – you may think nobody sees it, but hon, your addiction is showing

What a Wonderful World...

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
But they're really saying I love you.

I hear baby's cry, and I watched them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know 
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.
Yes, I think to myself what a wonderful world.

Oh, yeah

~ Louis Armstrong

Welcome home, stranger...

It's taken me a long time to get here.

Probably more than 20 years.

I didn't realize I had arrived until a few days ago. Strange as that may sound.

The sadness I held on to for so long was no longer there. It had slipped from my grasp as if it were smoke and was just simply not there. There was no gaping wound that I had expected to last forever.

It became nothing.

In a good way.

Now that I'm here, I feel as though I have accomplished something. Like I won a trophy or a spelling bee.

But it was all inside my head. You won't see any confetti popping out of my ears. No marching bands leading the celebration of me moving on.

Funny.

I wrestled with myself for many ugly years and it just slipped away in the middle of the night like the bitch it was.

Yes...

I'll admit it. Music helps me through the day. I constantly have music playing. In my car or at my desk - I live for music. It helps guide me, hold me, and in some cases - talk me off the ledge.

Just the other day I ran the gamut on musical genres. My initial musical quest was let loose by the basic need to soothe the savage beast within.

I needed to play some kind of violent game. I wanted to be the terror that made my Sims go running. If I could have played "Death" I would have. And I would have enjoyed myself immensely. While I imagined terrible things I was planning to do to my Sims, I also knew I needed loud, aggressive music piped directly into my ears. If I could've gotten that straight from the band itself (like plug their guitar output directly into my ears), it would have been better, but I'd be happy with just cranking my Ipod to 11.

I played and banged my head. Ax7, Rob Zombie, Limp Bizkit (Break Stuff is a fave), Escape the Fate, Nugent, Ozzy, Tool, Alice in Chains.

It wasn't long before I wanted music that I could sing to. Not just growl with. I wanted to not torture my Sims but maybe just cause some general mayhem on Burn Out. I switched games and plugged in White Stripes, MCR, George Thorogood, Eric Clapton, Aerosmith, Boston, Cage the Elephant, The Who, Led Zep.

Not long after that musical interlude I found my foot tapping and there might even be a smile lurking in the not too far distant future.

I was done with games and felt recharged. Knowing full well that it was a fine line between moving on from the dreck I came home with or crashing back into obscenity laden sputtering, finger pointing and scowls.

With my Ipod safely tucked into my pocket, I removed myself from the gaming arena and moved on to the kitchen. I was ready to join society again bit by bit. I was ready to create rather than destroy. My tunes were set to sing. I was ready to sing along.

I played my tunes and sang along. I cooked and smiled. I joked and teased. I joined normal society. I felt human again. There's nothing like Grateful Dead, Yes, Beatles, Pink Floyd to put the icing on your musical cake.

Music helps me. Helps me move to the next level. Not usually going up a notch in aggression, but lowers it. Eases it. Allows me to rage and then calm down. All within the safety of my own home.

ps - Starship Trooper

Summer....

It's the official first day of summer.

Summer Solstice.

One of those "These are a few of my favorite things" things. (Yes, that was sung in my head with Maria Von Trapp's voice)

All the younger mothers in the office are wrapping up completed school years for their children. As a parent, I remember the pain of the constant running the last few weeks of school. I was near frantic trying to get everything and everybody everywhere in too less time. I couldn't wait until The Boy was done and actually on summer break.

After all the hens stop clucking about the running around, we eventually reminisce.

I always chuckle when I think about end of school days. The last week of school was probably one of the best weeks for me. And I was always convinced that if I had or had not done "x = whatever I deemed important at the time" I probably would have liked school better that year. I would actually be a little sad that I wasn't going to see these kids every day for 3 whole months. The last day of school being the hardest. I would walk home and the town seemed desolate already.

But then I'd wake up the first day of vacation and think, "Wait a minute - I hated school. What was my damage yesterday?" I would then go on about my business for the rest of the summer. I wouldn't give a fig about school and completely blank the 1st day of school date. Who cares? I was on vacation.

Can I tell you I miss those days?

I'd love to wake up not knowing the date and not caring about it. (without Alzheimer's). I'd love to NOT have an agenda. Maybe I'd ride my bike to the beach or roller skate around the neighborhood. Maybe I'd take the afternoon to pick lemons and pomegranates and snack on them until my fingers and lips were fuscia. Maybe I'd float in an inner tube on the lake or read a book on the dock.

Either way, I'm pretty sure I need to play the lotto to get that kind of vacation - but I think I could handle it.

Me, Myself, and I...

Life plugs along as it should. The empty spaces of free time get filled up with work, family, obligations. It’s not a bad thing, it’s a life thing.

 

Not that I mind any of that. I like my job. I love my family, and well, obligations are obligations. 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.

 

But sometimes you are forced to step back. Take a breather. Play hooky from work, ditch the family, and make an obligation or two just about yourself for a change.

 

Last weekend was spent with an old friend who unexpectedly crashed at my house. Initially I thought it was going to be a pain. I’m too busy for friends (and fun apparently). I don’t have time for this. I have to do blah, blah, blah, blah - Was what my stupid inner voice was nagging at me.

 

My inner voice dictated and filed this as “Obligation.”

 

Boy was she wrong.

 

My weekend was spent drinking too much and laughing until tears were in my eyes. Many times over the course of his stay.

 

We had so much fun. I realized that I felt that I had forgotten what fun was like. Or that I'm really good at having fun. Or that maybe I had forgotten how good I feel after I've had that much fun. My brain has was charged. My body is relaxed.

 

I am a firm believer that if life is starting to take over, squishing the sparkle of life out – you MUST take care of your soul.

 

For me it is good food, laughter, inappropriate behavior, and cutting loose.

 

Cut those work tendrils that are still snaked around your brain even though you’re not there. Learn to say “no.” Don’t answer the phone. Let the machine pick up. If there’s an emergency, sure, take care of it. But really, how often is there death or fire? Thankfully in my life, not too.

 

Make sure YOU are an obligation. Treat yourself to whatever floats your boat. Take care of you before you forget how to do that.

 

ps. Mr. Brown

Fear knot...

Do you remember the things that scared you when you were a child? Were they things that went bump in the night or ideas that pushed you outside the box – so outside the box that the very thought of them chilled you to the bone? When you look back on them do you laugh because in reality they're so benign, but at the time were very scary and very real?


I had my fair share of childhood fears - spiders, moving oil pumps with their ceaseless whooshing at night, the dark, sharks, Jason Voorhees, bees in the walls, ghosts, monsters under the bed, cannibalism, and human spontaneous combustion.

Take your pick. Some might actually happen – others not so much. But basically I was afraid of things coming after me – with the exception of the human spontaneous combustion. I figure if the first few things got me I was going to combust any way.

I have since grown out of most of those fears. The others kind of hang out there in the background and are still alive and well in my head. Every now and then they want to come out and play by saying ever so quietly, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a long time? What’s watching you just beyond the lights in the back yard.” Ugh, just typing that gives me the willies.

The other day I was cruising Netflix for new movie ideas. I went through all the different genres. I found some things that sounded interesting, but a whole lot of crap was listed too. One topic in the documentary field did pique my interest – “Sleepwalking Killers.” Thinking that it was a spoof, I read the little description and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. It was not a joke.

I quickly backed out of the description and tried to run away electronically as fast as I could. As if just by learning that this can happen will taint me and mine. I know this is silly. And I can’t tell you why it rattled me so. The entire idea that this could and has happened and that it’s a valid condition has just landed on my “Oh, Hell No” list.

ps
spiders
the woods
sharks
monsters in my head
sleepwalking killers

Let's Go Crazy

Dearly beloved
We are gathered here today
2 get through this thing called life

Electric word life
It means forever and that's a mighty long time
But I'm here 2 tell u
There's something else
The afterworld

A world of never ending happiness
U can always see the sun, day or night

So when u call up that shrink in Beverly Hills
U know the one - Dr Everything'll Be Alright
Instead of asking him how much of your time is left
Ask him how much of your mind, baby

'Cuz in this life
Things are much harder than in the afterworld
In this life
You're on your own

And if de-elevator tries 2 bring u down
Go crazy - punch a higher floor

If u don't like the world you're living in
Take a look around u
At least u got friends

U see I called my old lady
4 a friendly word
She picked up the phone
Dropped it on the floor
(Sex, sex) is all I heard

Are we gonna let de-elevator
Bring us down
Oh, no Let's Go!

Let's go crazy
Let's get nuts
Let's look 4 the purple banana
'Til they put us in the truck, let's go!

We're all excited
But we don't know why
Maybe it's cuz
We're all gonna die

And when we do (When we do)
What's it all 4 (What's it all 4)
U better live now
Before the grim reaper come knocking on your door

Tell me, are we gonna let de-elevator bring us down
Oh, no let's go!

Let's go crazy
Let's get nuts
Look 4 the purple banana
'Til they put us in the truck, let's go!

C'mon baby
Let's get nuts
Yeah
Crazy

Let's go crazy

Are we gonna let de-elevator bring us down
Oh, no let's go!
Go crazy

I said let's go crazy (Go crazy)
Let's go, let's go
Go
Let's go

Dr. Everything'll be alright
Will make everything go wrong
Pills and thrills and dafodills will kill
Hang tough children

He's coming
He's coming
Coming

Take me away!

~Prince