A friend in need...

I prefer the facade I live behind. The one where I'm capable and confident. Not easily rattled and most important - self-sufficient.

I found myself mulling over and over the answers I had, but which refused to come out of my mouth in an orderly fashion.

The shole scenario would play out in my head in repeat mode. The quiet moment spent a million miles away.

Worry, self-loathing, and disbelief tinted my attempt at normalcy.

I finally realized that I needed to be the one to ask for help.

Hear me.

Help me.

I never ask. I suffer in silence usually.

Uncomfortable in peeling back a layer or two, I hesitantly reach out.

Secretly wishing for no answer.

I let go the words and they found an ear. My anxiety abated finally.

I walked away feeling bolstered, I put my trust in someone who is unable to soften the blow and had the reputation for being brutally honest.

It matters not what the words were. It matters that they were spoken with the true friendship laced in.

Days later I find myself grateful for such a person in my life.

Rock, meet hard place...

Torn between the right and harsh reality, my thoughts become muddled.

I am loyal to the length of time and memories, but it's harmful to me.

Another request to use my home as a safe haven interrupts my world.

My couch is always available to those in need, but I find her plea unsettling.

It's a request that tests the boundaries of our friendship.

Too much information floods my brain and I wish it never happened.

How do I reject without hurting her? My reasons for saying no are ugly but justified.

The truth will kill her. But, I'm afraid she'll push too hard to get what she wants and I'll crush her.

I'm not who I was when she knew me. I"m not that girl anymore.

She doesn't know me now - only what she wants to believe.

She's a vortex of self-destruction looking for other victims to suck in.

It isn't me. I've moved beyond the tendencies and found another way to live.

My fingers play with the buttons on the phone as I try to figure out how to let her down gently.

Rock and a hard place.

I hang up the phone and hope that tomorrow I've figured it out.

Cutting the cord is easier said than done.

Land Lubber...

My feet dangle precariously over the bouncing bow. Destination to the end of the world as I knew it.

The trip has been made by me many times. The scene always the same.

Sun beating down upon my head, warming my hair as the sea spray mists over me.

As I look to either side of the boat, I see flying fish leap out of the water just before the hull crashes down on them.

The land we are racing away from becomes a sliver on the horizon behind me as I head out towards where the sky meets the ocean.

In a blink of an eye, the land disappears and I am literally in the middle of nowhere.

"Water all around me yet not a drop to drink" comes to mind.

"Are we there yet?" I shout to the captain.

"Not quite." He yells back to me. His smile beaming at me.

Now is one of those times Ii place in my hearts treasure box. Something that helps to loosen the mortar I've placed between the bricks of my wall.

The engine is cut that the boats momentum lurches so that the bow dips towards the green water.

We have arrived.

I stand up and use my one hand to shield my eyes from the bright sun.

Yep - middle of nowhere. Ends of the world. At this point it really does look as if the Earth is flat.

The wells of the waves rock the boat gently and I become very aware at how truly small I am in this world.

the captain smiles at me and points west. "Land is that way."

I believe him for no other reasons other than he's my father and he knows that I need to know where land is.

Not that I'd ever be able to swim to shore should we sink, but I'd give it a damned good try.

What does that tell you? Maybe against all odds I"m still going to try until it kills me?

Maybe.

Bungle in the jungle...

I sit on my back porch and gaze out at the bamboo. With all the rain, it has gotten lush and green. The leaves are thick and hide a multitude of birds.

It's that time of day when the birds flock to the safety of the wall of green. All getting ready to settle down for the night.

They grey sky hides the true beauty of pre-dusk. On a cloudless night, the sky would be turning pink and then fade into the indigo of evening.

As beautiful as that is, he birds seem to hafve the urge to chirp.

Loudly.

It's "Jungle time" when my backyard turns into a rainforest. Frogs and birds search for their mates.

I sit and wait for the noises to fade into the evening.

As the natural light fades, so does the noise.

Leaves are rustled as the chirps become fewer and fewer.

All that is left is our lone frog.

It's as if he sings the lullaby that the birds fall asleep to.

The one that sends them off to slumber and still serenades the mate he knows is out there somewhere for him.

War of the Roses...

She watched me with her drunken eyes. I couldn't tell if she was sneering at me or if she was just too loaded to appear happy.

I had only been in the room 10 minutes and the tension in the atmosphere was already suffocating me.

Her snide comments did not go unnoticed by the intended victim. His retaliation was just as unpleasant.

You caught my eye. No doubt we were coming to the realization at the same time that we were going to witness a lot of ugly today.

After my week from Hell, I'm really in no mood for her games.

I excuse myself and retreat to a quiet room only to find you following me.

We can hear them arguing faintly and then there was silence. He quickly appeared in the doorway looking for us.

He's looking for peace too.

He's not going to find it by staying with her.

And he knows it.

School Dazed...

We walked down the hallway.

A familiar sight from long ago.

I listened to reminiscing but none of it was my own.

Lime green tiles cemented to the walls reminded me of my own high school three thousand miles away.

I stood there waiting. Leaning up against the tall blue lockers. I noticed the fact that I could still be stuffed inside one easily. I shift uncomfortably as my body leans up against the locker.

The ever present cafeteria smell permeates the linoleum clad floors mixing with the faint smell of bleach.

My head begins to swim and my stomach starts to get tight.

I haven't been in a school building for this amount of time since I attended school.

The voices of those around me reverberate off the cold walls. I am once again struck with the feeling I had when I was seventeen.

I just wanted to throw up and I just want to get out.

Ugh.

I hated school.

All of them.

Tag! I'm it...

Every now and then it's my turn to step in the cosmic pile of shit.

Not that I deserved it because I suddenly took a shining to taunting small children, kicking cute animals, or knocking over old ladies. It was just my time in the grand scheme of life.

You know how it is. Several days of mishaps, a couple arguments peppered in here and there, an animal infestation, and of course some horrible illness that makes you sick and contagious.

It just leaves me tired and wary of leaving my bed in the morning.

Tomorrow I"m going to get up and put my waders on.

That way I'll be ready for the shit storm that is brewing beyond my front door.

Wannabe sinner...

I look at my calendar and flip through the pages. Every weekend is starting to have penciled in plans.

Page after page I see company here. Me going there. He's doing this. Us doing that.

Vacation plans, school trips, work things, and doctor appointments are starting to fill in the other days.

How I appreciate my quiet time when I look at these crazy schedules.

Maybe I should start marking in permanent marker the lazy days.

That's right. I'm going to schedule lazy, lay around, do nothing, eat junk, watch bad movies, and sleep a lot days.

How bad is that, that I have to plan a day of sloth?