I like my high heels. I like them for no other reason than I like the way they make me feel when I wear them. I feel powerful and sexy in my heels. I usually dress nicer when I have my tall shoes on, and I carry myself differently. As if I'm kicking ass and taking names. I mean business in those shoes. I have beautiful, dainty shoes and some real ass kickers. The effect is always the same for me.
Oddly enough, I enjoy kicking stuff around in them. On those special days, I especially love shoving things around with the whole foot. It's a weird sense of power. I can't explain it other than - when I wear heels, something usually ends up with holes in it.
Other times, I envision that I'm wearing spikes. They are made for me to spear things. Like a deranged person, I spend time punching holes in the lawn with my spikes. The trail of damage I inflict on inanimate objects on the floor pleases me. Most items are just asking for perfect circular holes to be driven through them.
I guess I sometimes wear my heels as weapons. They are weapons that need not bullets or flame to inflict damage. Just a chick with a penchant for destruction and a healthy case of PMS.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Lost and Found
You've been digging. Digging for an old favorite t-shirt. Where did it go? When was the last time you remember seeing it?
I decide to help you look for your t-shirt. We start at the bed and strip it together. The sheets are dragged to the floor and the feather top is rolled off. We flip the mattress hoping to find the shirt stuffed somewhere inside the bed. You look under the bed, neglecting the mess we made on the floor, and find old socks, a pair of my panties that were tossed aside during a night of passion, a hanger, tissues, and a cat but no t-shirt.
You go to your dresser and pull out all the drawers. Inside the upper right drawer, you find your wedding ring. A perfect golden circle that you slip on your finger. Years ago we laughed about how it made your finger itch and swell. Was that a subconscious comment on married life? The ring was only worn for family events, weddings, and funerals. I would watch you fidget with it the entire time it was on. And then once home, it would disappear. Hidden in the drawer only to be taken out for show. Yet, today you put the ring on without complaint. You put it on without my asking. Don't think I haven't noticed. It looks odd on your finger, but I could get used to seeing you wear it.
We found the band of gold but not the t-shirt. Yet.
The closet doors are thrown open. Shelves full of pants, shorts, swim suits, and probably some questionable items live on the left side. On the right are your shirts hanging neatly. You push aside the long sleeved shirts. Some of which I remember from long ago that no longer fit, but hold memories within their fabric. The family albums hold pictures of you smiling and wearing those shirts. They are tough to let go. Your closet is big enough for those shirts and more if you wanted. So there they stay, hanging memories.
You get down on the floor and shove shoes aside. Ones that you've walked miles and a lifetime in. These shoes went to Maine. Those shoes went deep-sea fishing. And these others held your child's feet in them when he was toddling around and wanted to wear Daddy's shoes backwards.
You dig to the back of your closet. It's the darkest and hardest part to reach. Lots of things get in your way in getting to the back. You pull out the un-needed shit. None of these items are what you want. It's the t-shirt you are searching for.
There, crumpled in a ball in the very back corner you find your favorite t-shirt. It's old. It had been a favorite for such a long time. It went places with you and done things with you. How did it get so misplaced? Sometimes things like that happen. But when you go looking for and actually find it, you can't help but smile.
You hold it up for me to see. It has wrinkles from being stored in a ball for so long. The sleeves are a bit more frayed than I remember and there are a few new holes. It's dusty. The color has faded and it might smell a little funky from being out of the fresh air for so long. As far as I can tell, it's not so far gone that a few washings can't take care of.
The shirt you are wearing is taken off and you put on your old trusty t-shirt. It's a little snug. Your body has changed through the years, but I still see a lot of life left in this old favorite. You look good wearing it. It suits you. My mind flashes back to the old days of when we were just two. Not that being three is a bad thing, but being two was magical.
When you wear that shirt, can you smell the sausage, egg, and cheese sandwiches? Do you smell patchouli and hear bells jingling faintly? Do you hear my laughter at a really bad joke I've just told because I was drunk? Or, do you hear me just blathering on about my ride down to your apartment? Do the arms remember holding me? Does the back remember my arms encircled around holding tight? Because I remember.
What was once lost has been found. Let's try to not lose it again.
I decide to help you look for your t-shirt. We start at the bed and strip it together. The sheets are dragged to the floor and the feather top is rolled off. We flip the mattress hoping to find the shirt stuffed somewhere inside the bed. You look under the bed, neglecting the mess we made on the floor, and find old socks, a pair of my panties that were tossed aside during a night of passion, a hanger, tissues, and a cat but no t-shirt.
You go to your dresser and pull out all the drawers. Inside the upper right drawer, you find your wedding ring. A perfect golden circle that you slip on your finger. Years ago we laughed about how it made your finger itch and swell. Was that a subconscious comment on married life? The ring was only worn for family events, weddings, and funerals. I would watch you fidget with it the entire time it was on. And then once home, it would disappear. Hidden in the drawer only to be taken out for show. Yet, today you put the ring on without complaint. You put it on without my asking. Don't think I haven't noticed. It looks odd on your finger, but I could get used to seeing you wear it.
We found the band of gold but not the t-shirt. Yet.
The closet doors are thrown open. Shelves full of pants, shorts, swim suits, and probably some questionable items live on the left side. On the right are your shirts hanging neatly. You push aside the long sleeved shirts. Some of which I remember from long ago that no longer fit, but hold memories within their fabric. The family albums hold pictures of you smiling and wearing those shirts. They are tough to let go. Your closet is big enough for those shirts and more if you wanted. So there they stay, hanging memories.
You get down on the floor and shove shoes aside. Ones that you've walked miles and a lifetime in. These shoes went to Maine. Those shoes went deep-sea fishing. And these others held your child's feet in them when he was toddling around and wanted to wear Daddy's shoes backwards.
You dig to the back of your closet. It's the darkest and hardest part to reach. Lots of things get in your way in getting to the back. You pull out the un-needed shit. None of these items are what you want. It's the t-shirt you are searching for.
There, crumpled in a ball in the very back corner you find your favorite t-shirt. It's old. It had been a favorite for such a long time. It went places with you and done things with you. How did it get so misplaced? Sometimes things like that happen. But when you go looking for and actually find it, you can't help but smile.
You hold it up for me to see. It has wrinkles from being stored in a ball for so long. The sleeves are a bit more frayed than I remember and there are a few new holes. It's dusty. The color has faded and it might smell a little funky from being out of the fresh air for so long. As far as I can tell, it's not so far gone that a few washings can't take care of.
The shirt you are wearing is taken off and you put on your old trusty t-shirt. It's a little snug. Your body has changed through the years, but I still see a lot of life left in this old favorite. You look good wearing it. It suits you. My mind flashes back to the old days of when we were just two. Not that being three is a bad thing, but being two was magical.
When you wear that shirt, can you smell the sausage, egg, and cheese sandwiches? Do you smell patchouli and hear bells jingling faintly? Do you hear my laughter at a really bad joke I've just told because I was drunk? Or, do you hear me just blathering on about my ride down to your apartment? Do the arms remember holding me? Does the back remember my arms encircled around holding tight? Because I remember.
What was once lost has been found. Let's try to not lose it again.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Yes, I got my snow day!
Oh the weather outside is frightful,
But the fire is so delightful,
And since we've no place to go,
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
It doesn't show signs of stopping,
And I've bought some corn for popping,
The lights are turned way down low,
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
When we finally kiss goodnight,
How I'll hate going out in the storm!
But if you'll really hold me tight,
All the way home I'll be warm.
The fire is slowly dying,
And, my dear, we're still good-bying,
But as long as you love me so,
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
But the fire is so delightful,
And since we've no place to go,
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
It doesn't show signs of stopping,
And I've bought some corn for popping,
The lights are turned way down low,
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
When we finally kiss goodnight,
How I'll hate going out in the storm!
But if you'll really hold me tight,
All the way home I'll be warm.
The fire is slowly dying,
And, my dear, we're still good-bying,
But as long as you love me so,
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!
Thursday, February 21, 2008
A chance of snow after midnight...
Like a child I sit and look out my front window. Impatiently I'm waiting for the first snowflake to fall. My breath fogs up the window and I have to wipe it off. Damn! Nothing from the sky yet. Stupid blue skies! Where are the clouds to bring me my snowflakes?
As I stare out the window, I can picture my yard covered in a blanket of white. The quiet of the snow that muffles out the sound of regular living outside. It's like someone has pressed the "mute" button on life. I can almost smell the fire in the fireplace that will keep the living room warm and cozy.
I press my nose up against the window and silently pray for a snowflake or two. The weathermen just tease me. 3-6 inches of snow and then sleet to top it off. Their jocularity angers me. I don't want them to joke about it. I want them to say, "Holy crap, folks. It's going to be a mess outside tomorrow. Make sure you have gas for your snowblowers. We're going to get snowed in. Cancel your plans. Nobody's going nowhere."
I would giggle and maybe even skip through the house. Because all I really want is a snow day.
As I stare out the window, I can picture my yard covered in a blanket of white. The quiet of the snow that muffles out the sound of regular living outside. It's like someone has pressed the "mute" button on life. I can almost smell the fire in the fireplace that will keep the living room warm and cozy.
I press my nose up against the window and silently pray for a snowflake or two. The weathermen just tease me. 3-6 inches of snow and then sleet to top it off. Their jocularity angers me. I don't want them to joke about it. I want them to say, "Holy crap, folks. It's going to be a mess outside tomorrow. Make sure you have gas for your snowblowers. We're going to get snowed in. Cancel your plans. Nobody's going nowhere."
I would giggle and maybe even skip through the house. Because all I really want is a snow day.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
When you wish upon a star...
Sometimes late at night, I like to go out in my backyard and look up in the sky. For no other reason but to appreciate the beauty of a star lit sky and the quiet of the night. It helps clear my head when I need to refocus on something.
Last week I saw a shooting star. I was pleasantly surprised. I like shooting stars. They make me feel lucky to see one streak across the sky in a bright burst. Almost as if it were flashing just for me. A wink to me from the universe, if you will.
I never make wishes on shooting stars. They never come true and then it just gets frustrating. For some odd reason, a wish came to mind as the star was streaking through the night. I couldn't stop the wish and I wholeheartedly wanted it to come true.
I didn't tell a soul about the shooting star or about my wish. Guess what? My wish came true.
I can't tell you what I wished for because I'm afraid it will all fall apart. I don't know all the "Wish Rules." But I can tell you that maybe, just maybe, I'll try wishing again to see what happens.
Last week I saw a shooting star. I was pleasantly surprised. I like shooting stars. They make me feel lucky to see one streak across the sky in a bright burst. Almost as if it were flashing just for me. A wink to me from the universe, if you will.
I never make wishes on shooting stars. They never come true and then it just gets frustrating. For some odd reason, a wish came to mind as the star was streaking through the night. I couldn't stop the wish and I wholeheartedly wanted it to come true.
I didn't tell a soul about the shooting star or about my wish. Guess what? My wish came true.
I can't tell you what I wished for because I'm afraid it will all fall apart. I don't know all the "Wish Rules." But I can tell you that maybe, just maybe, I'll try wishing again to see what happens.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
It's always something...
1. Do you have any tattoos? Not yet
2. When was the last time you cried? Sunday
3. Do you like your handwriting? yes
4. What's your favorite lunch meat? bacon
5. Do you have kids? yes
6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? I think so. I'm loyal to a fault.
7. Do you use sarcasm? What do you think?
8. Do you still have your tonsils? Yes
9. Would you bungee jump? HELL NO, but I'd take pictures of you jumping.
10. What is your favorite cereal? Cocoa puffs
11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? I kick one off and untie the other
12. Do you think you're strong? Sometimes
13. What is your favorite ice cream? Chocolate
14. What is the first thing you notice about people? Their eyes and smiles
15. Red or pink? Pink or black
16. What is the thing you like least about yourself? I'm a mess but don't look it.
17. Who do you miss the most? Laura
18. If you were an animal, what would you be? a cat or a monkey
19. What are you wearing now? striped corduroys and a sweater
20. What was the last thing you ate? a banana
21. What are you listening to right now? Smashing Pumpkins
22. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Perriwinkle
23. What's your favorite smell? Leather or vanilla
24. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? Wooly
25. What emotion describes you right now? I don't know, there are too many
26. What's your favorite sport? Sunbathing
27. What's your favorite food? Italian
28. Scary movies or happy endings? Scary movies
29. What's the last movie you watched on TV? Pirates of the Carribean
30. What do you do when you're nervous? I get quiet and fidgit
31. Summer or winter? Autumn
32. What do you love the most? my son
33. What book are you reading now? Something scary with blood and guts
34. What's your favorite sound? children laughing or rain on the roof.
35. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles
36. What is the furthest you've been from home? Trinidad, BVI
37. Do you have a special talent? Yes, but it's a secret.
38. When was the last time you really laughed? last night
39. What's your favorite cartoon? The Angry Beavers
40. What rules you, head or gut? Head
2. When was the last time you cried? Sunday
3. Do you like your handwriting? yes
4. What's your favorite lunch meat? bacon
5. Do you have kids? yes
6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? I think so. I'm loyal to a fault.
7. Do you use sarcasm? What do you think?
8. Do you still have your tonsils? Yes
9. Would you bungee jump? HELL NO, but I'd take pictures of you jumping.
10. What is your favorite cereal? Cocoa puffs
11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? I kick one off and untie the other
12. Do you think you're strong? Sometimes
13. What is your favorite ice cream? Chocolate
14. What is the first thing you notice about people? Their eyes and smiles
15. Red or pink? Pink or black
16. What is the thing you like least about yourself? I'm a mess but don't look it.
17. Who do you miss the most? Laura
18. If you were an animal, what would you be? a cat or a monkey
19. What are you wearing now? striped corduroys and a sweater
20. What was the last thing you ate? a banana
21. What are you listening to right now? Smashing Pumpkins
22. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Perriwinkle
23. What's your favorite smell? Leather or vanilla
24. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? Wooly
25. What emotion describes you right now? I don't know, there are too many
26. What's your favorite sport? Sunbathing
27. What's your favorite food? Italian
28. Scary movies or happy endings? Scary movies
29. What's the last movie you watched on TV? Pirates of the Carribean
30. What do you do when you're nervous? I get quiet and fidgit
31. Summer or winter? Autumn
32. What do you love the most? my son
33. What book are you reading now? Something scary with blood and guts
34. What's your favorite sound? children laughing or rain on the roof.
35. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles
36. What is the furthest you've been from home? Trinidad, BVI
37. Do you have a special talent? Yes, but it's a secret.
38. When was the last time you really laughed? last night
39. What's your favorite cartoon? The Angry Beavers
40. What rules you, head or gut? Head
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Party Naked
Have you ever been naked? Like, really naked? Not without apparel, but you've stripped off the mask and armor and actually let someone see the real you?
It's damn scary, that type of nakedness. When you're that naked with a person, you're opening yourself up for damage. I don't do that often. I hide my imperfections, thoughts, and fears. While I love my friends dearly, I also hold them at a distance. I hold them at arms length because the baggage I have is too much for some. Some won't get it, others don't want to get it. I'm ok with that. Too much known leaves me feeling vulnerable.
Only a few know the "real' me. Maybe because they were there in that time of my life, or because they've experienced the same thing as me and opened up to me first. I can count on one hand how many close friends actually know and see the real me. They love me and my broken bits no matter what. All of my friends I've known for a minimum of 10 years. My oldest friend I've known since I was 5. She is the one who sees me clearly. She knows everything about me. There is no armor or mask to hide behind because she came before all of that.
I've made new friends recently and I've opened up to them. Bit by bit I've dropped my defenses with smoke and mirrors and deflection with humor. I've bared glimpses into my soul. The underbelly of me. I pointed out the cracks in my perfect facade.
I got naked and it scares the shit out of me.
Mayonaise
It's damn scary, that type of nakedness. When you're that naked with a person, you're opening yourself up for damage. I don't do that often. I hide my imperfections, thoughts, and fears. While I love my friends dearly, I also hold them at a distance. I hold them at arms length because the baggage I have is too much for some. Some won't get it, others don't want to get it. I'm ok with that. Too much known leaves me feeling vulnerable.
Only a few know the "real' me. Maybe because they were there in that time of my life, or because they've experienced the same thing as me and opened up to me first. I can count on one hand how many close friends actually know and see the real me. They love me and my broken bits no matter what. All of my friends I've known for a minimum of 10 years. My oldest friend I've known since I was 5. She is the one who sees me clearly. She knows everything about me. There is no armor or mask to hide behind because she came before all of that.
I've made new friends recently and I've opened up to them. Bit by bit I've dropped my defenses with smoke and mirrors and deflection with humor. I've bared glimpses into my soul. The underbelly of me. I pointed out the cracks in my perfect facade.
I got naked and it scares the shit out of me.
Mayonaise
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)