Rudeneja…

 In the quiet of the morning I sit in the dark room. 

The sun is just starting to rise. Bright spots in the yard appear outside the window.

While the trees are still mostly a deep green, bright pops of orange are now showing their colors peppered amongst the leaves.

I love this season.

My allergies don’t.

The air is crisp and clean in the morning, the sun warm in the afternoon. Evening brings a lovely cooling, and I start to smell the fires in the fireplaces of my neighbors.

I’m almost giddy and every year it’s the same feeling. It always has been.

There is a smell to this season. Every season has a smell.

Winter (after a good snow) smells clean. It almost has a fizziness to it. 

Spring smells stupid. I’m not even going to comment.

Summer smells salty by the beach. Mostly floral or tropical. It gives me a lazy feeling. The ocean smell in the summer (anytime really) resets my soul.

And Autumn has an earthy smell. Is it mud? Leaves? I don’t know. It smells rich and deep. It’s a comforting smell. I’m not talking about that pumpkin spice crap either. Maybe this time of the year is my comfort season. A time to shuck the old and prepare for the new.

I now sit in my home, slips of sunshine striping my walls, and I just enjoy the colorful tapestry Mother Nature is painting outside my window.

Sometimes it truly is the simplest of things that get you through the day.

ps…. The way nature and/or the weather begins to feel like Autumn.

(Record scratch) My Life…

 His marbles are all over the floor.

The once sharp mind and quick witted man I once knew is now fumbling to remember yesterday.

He can remember 1952 really well.

As fiercely independent as he once was, he fights relying on family for help. He does not ask for help. Does not want help.

My life has been turned upside down.

Still reeling from an unexpected death, I try to find grace and patience with him.

He is much like a young boy in many respects now.

Clumsy and slow. Broken items found here. Spills and smudges there.

I tell him “don’t worry, everything is washable.”

“Don’t worry, I have more coffee mugs.”

The bumps I hear in the night wake me from a dead sleep. I worry that he’s fallen down someplace.

His shuffling feet during the day keep me apprised as to where he’s wandered in the house.

I feel like a creeper when he goes outside on his own.

Is he still there? Where did he go? What is he doing.

While I try to adjust to my new life right now, I struggle at times.

I feel like I was on a normal path in life and somehow got diverted to the Psycho Path. 

Nothing makes sense and I still have so much to do.

I can’t even list everything because it’s too much. I feel the anxiety rise when I think about it.

The light at the end of the tunnel is just a flicker.

It’s there, it’s just still too far away.

At this point I’m not sure if the light is the end of the tunnel and return to a more normal existence or a freight train heading towards me.

Ps. For all those who are struggling - a gentle reminder.

Gweenie…

I sit and hold your hand. The softest hand I’ve ever held. Dainty fingers that were compelled to make art.

In any medium.

A personality as big as life in a still body that just couldn’t do it anymore.

Eyes closed but not sleeping.

As I watch you struggle to breathe, I wonder if you are still in there. Is your mind rambling around?

Your body is not telling me any secrets.

Are you afraid? Are you sad? 

Or are you already gone?

I tell you everything is going to be ok. Not to worry. Everything will be fine.

But I lied. Nothing is ok. Nothing is fine. It’s all a mess.

I’m a mess.

Praise be to thee who keep their mouths shut…

How is it that time passes so quickly?

I once had a person tell me that when time passes that quickly for everyone that it means the end is near for the world.

I pushed back to her, saying it might be going fast for us but what about those in a war zone, or are starving, or those experiencing strife in their lives. Do you think time passes quickly in those situations? I bet time is excruciatingly slow for them. How can the end be near?

She got stumped. Made her rethink her position. How I love to play devils advocate in those situations. 

Don’t try and convert me with your crazy theories. Don’t give me literature to read. I’ve already read it.

Do I believe in a higher power? Yes.

Do I know what the plan is? No.

Do I try to be the best human I can be? Yes.

Do I always succeed? No.

But I try. 

Ps.  Numbers 6:24-26

Spring is springing…

My least favorite season is upon me now.

Spring. 

Bah.

Late spring is ok I guess, but it’s only when it is more like summer. This rain, snow, hot, cold makes me nuts.

For me, winter is my slow down season. I’m stuck in the house more often than not. It’s no fun being outside when it’s below freezing. So inside I stay. I read books, organize stuff, cook and bake. I don’t get cabin fever. 

By the time spring rolls around I’m in slo-mo, yet the weather tells me to get moving.

Maybe I hate speeding up.

Maybe I like slow.

I peer out the windows and take in the view. The greens are starting to come back. It’s not so much of a grey and beige world anymore. 

Flowers are starting to come up and the trees are budding.

And the rain. So much rain.

But after a heavy rain, the sun comes out and the world is a bit more colorful than before the storm.

So ok, I like the newness of life and the color it brings to my world. I like the anticipation of warmer weather and being outside in the fresh air. I like working in the yard and getting good and dirty.

Spring is still my least favorite season, but it does bring with it things I do like.

I’ll huff and I’ll puff…

 Well, Old Man Winter came knocking on my door yesterday.

When I yelled “Who is it?”

He blew the wreath off my front door and shook the house.

I did not let him in.

He pelted us with rain and wind. Like he was throwing a tantrum. 

And still, I did not let him in.

The kittens and I huddled together. We tried to ignore the howling winds outside.

Our lights blinked off for a moment and then came back on. I can handle the dark. I struggle when I have no heat. 

I grew up in a home where we had no electronic games and my television time was limited. If you looked bored you were relegated to “The Opportunity Basket”.

I made it a point to never look bored. I read a lot.

So in a sense I am lucky. If I lose power, all I need is a book and candlelight and I’m good to go for however long the lights are out. 

And I have scads of candles.

Ps. … and I’ll blow your house down