There. I've said it. I've gone beyond nuclear meltdown and have moved swiftly into shutdown. Meltdown is usually safer, at least I'm verbal. Shutdown means just that. Shut down. Non-verbal. Sulking. Stewing. Finger on the trigger, waiting for an unsuspecting bystander.
Do I tell them I'm not strong enough? That they've broken the spirit in me?
I can't even verbalize the hurt I feel. The anger that is just boiling under the skin. Making me tear up. Frustration.
I wish I could say, out loud, what I feel. But, every time I start to say something it comes out in sputters only to quickly flow into a stream of obscenities. At that moment, I'm only good for pointing and screaming. My message not conveyed very well and I'm a mess.
Or, do I hang in there? Like a tick. Not letting go. Making them see me and deal with me. Proving them wrong. Making them be more creative with the torture they inflict on me daily. I don't know. Do I rise above the bullshit? How do you do that when you're not in a pile of shit, but quicksand?
Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.
~ Evan Esar (1899 - 1995)
5 comments:
Someone wanted to be you when they grew up. They still wish it were possible. You are their idol, even though you sometimes feel like a puppy. I bet they miss you...
Why would somebody want to be me when they grew up?
I'm broken and frayed at the ends. I get needy and then push away. Basically, I"m nuts.
Don't be me, be my friend. Hold my hand when it's stretched out towards you.
If one has to grow up, they generally choose to emulate an icon of what they desire for themselves.
If you were sane by any normal standard, you wouldn't have caught my attention.
I try, believe it or not. I would hold your hand but I feel people talk enough about me.
Hi Jen.
You may be a nutter but I love you for it.
Thanks for your comment on my blog. It really made me smile.
Luv ya sweetie.
Repeat to yourself "I am loveable and capable". We used to tell the kids at school to say that to themselves every day. You are both and you're stronger and smarter than you realize. Love ya. L
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