Have you ever been naked? Like, really naked? Not without apparel, but you've stripped off the mask and armor and actually let someone see the real you?
It's damn scary, that type of nakedness. When you're that naked with a person, you're opening yourself up for damage. I don't do that often. I hide my imperfections, thoughts, and fears. While I love my friends dearly, I also hold them at a distance. I hold them at arms length because the baggage I have is too much for some. Some won't get it, others don't want to get it. I'm ok with that. Too much known leaves me feeling vulnerable.
Only a few know the "real' me. Maybe because they were there in that time of my life, or because they've experienced the same thing as me and opened up to me first. I can count on one hand how many close friends actually know and see the real me. They love me and my broken bits no matter what. All of my friends I've known for a minimum of 10 years. My oldest friend I've known since I was 5. She is the one who sees me clearly. She knows everything about me. There is no armor or mask to hide behind because she came before all of that.
I've made new friends recently and I've opened up to them. Bit by bit I've dropped my defenses with smoke and mirrors and deflection with humor. I've bared glimpses into my soul. The underbelly of me. I pointed out the cracks in my perfect facade.
I got naked and it scares the shit out of me.
Mayonaise
13 comments:
Yes, I too have been naked!
And you're right it is the scariest thing.
However, sometimes on the other side of naked, you'll find it was worth the risk of damage.
Jenn, I really feel this one.
I can't tell you how many times I've been with a friend or partner who expressed frustration with me because I am somehow confusing to them, how many times I've wanted to completely open up to them so they can see me for who I am and stop being confused, how many times I've thought about it but in the end avoided it because it's just too damn scary to leave myself that exposed. Every person I've let in has hurt me in some way. So now all the people in my life I keep at a distance. I have a neat little barrier between me and the rest of world.
My heart bleeds. I wish I could take all your hurt onto myself. You see, I was part of the cause of that hurt. I never meant to put it on you. The only excuse I can give is that I was going through my own hell with no bottom to my world & I wasn't able to see past my own black hole. My preschooler painted the picture of a hole. It was black and sort of round and was labeled "The Hole". I hung it in my workplace for a while. Co-workers probably wondered about me! Those kind of experiences leave us knowing how much we can be hurt, but they also teach us how strong we are and how much pain we can survive.
No, I don't let many people in. I stay fully clothed. Bizzie Lizzie
Hi Jen, I've missed you sweetie.
Jen,
Just a small note to let you know that J. and I both are glad we have got to know you and count you as not only our friend, but our Family. It's scary to let others see the real you. Trust me, we know. But there is something liberating about it, and that is worth it.
Love,
L. and J.
You said underbelly.
I smiled.
I was told to get the #$*% in here and fix you. I hope you read as much into that as I have.
Sometimes, it helps the lot when you get naked.
Get it? Huh?
(I have PMS but will gladly share my Milky Way with you. Only you... ever.)
Hi my new friend. I'm glad you smiled.
AIP, PMS is running rampant me thinks. I will gladly have some of your Milky Way and offer you some 100 Grand.
AIP, yes, sometimes the lot requires being naked.
Get it? hehe
Emotional chocolate sharing, nakedness... add kung fu and my night is complete.
It's official, we make the worst jokes ever. What's worse is that we do it on purpose. And then we point it out so no one misses it.
(Not one bad word)
Thanks for your comment on my blog. I do think we are like minded.
My paladin is hot! ^_~
I do wish I could take the hurt away!
I am finding it is so much easier to be closed.As you know I've always been pretty open and "this is me". Now a days I am closing myself off. It does seem easier.I am so tired of being hurt.
I would love to go back to the apartment days when everything was easy and the biggest problem was whether you could come out to play!I feel privilaged to have gotten to know you way back then! I do know the "real" you and you are SO COOL! I am the lucky one!
I will call soon!
Beach Baby, I miss you terribly.
I have something funny to tell you. Call me.
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